Its a long story as to why, but for many years I could not really have much of a relationship with my mother.  My father poisoned my mind against her for years.

Our relationship really started in my early 20’s.  I think I really grew up at that point and began to be able to appreciate her as a person, and all she had been through.  I was able to look at things objectively and cut some of the negative tapes from playing in my own head.  Plus, she was in a better position too mentally to be able to give since I wasn’t relying on her for financial support and things had eased up a bit in her own life.

I realised that my mother was actually a human being when I was 23.  One day I woke up with the idea of “Wow, what would I have done at the age of 26, having to raise 3 children completely alone 3,000 miles away from my family and everything I knew?”.  Suddenly how close it was to me.  That wasn’t too far from the age I was.  How the hell would I have coped with such a daunting task.  Would I have been any better equipped?  Especially with her set of circumstances?  A whole new respect and understanding for her came into focus.  I also realised that she too is a person, and a human with feelings and needs.  How amazing.  That was a big thing for me to come to.

My mother and I took our first grown up trip together as women when I was 23.  We went to Belgium and Holland.  Just the two of us.  My God, we had such a great time!  We laughed non stop!  Some parts of the trip were right out of a classic “I love Lucy” episode.  I swear!  We learned alot about each other on that trip, and I think it was really the first time that we were able to really enjoy each other for who we were as people rather than just as mother and daughter. 

It was hysterical dealing with issues like sex shops and cafes that sold pot.  It was so foreign to us both.  It embarrassed us both.  Because I as her baby was seeing it, and she as my mother was seeing it.  We ended up laughing so hard and making it a huge big joke.  We even went to the Red light district together for an oogle and a giggle.  How liberating for us both!

Because I lived in England, and my mother in the US, we really didn’t have much time together.  When I did move back to the US, I was busy working and so was she for the short time I was there.  I was married, I had a home and a business plus worked 18 hours a day.  My mother too worked 12 hours a day.  There wasn’t much time to spend together.

Finally, when my life fell apart, and I needed to leave my marriage, my mother welcomed me with open arms.  She was not judging nor was she demanding.  She let me grieve for my marriage for six entire months as I stared at the walls in my bedroom.  The day of month six however, she came in with her big boots on and kicked my ass where it needed to be.  She put me back on track, and on the way to getting back on my feet.

Then tragedy struck.  I got sick and my world ended.  My mother suddenly stepped into my life and became my partner, my mother and my best friend.  She got me through the toughest times.  I don’t know how she did it.  To watch your child suffer pain, and basically torture for years on end has to be horrendous for any parent to bear.  There were many tears shed, but she never left my side.

We found humor and friendship in these days.  She shared the wisdom of her experience and years with me then.  She even helped me to pick the perfect husband.  All while spending 7 long months cooped up in a hospital day after day together, not knowing what the next day would bring.

Roles have changed a bit.  I have in many ways become her guide.  I am her rock, and her support.  I will give her the peace in my home now, and the ability to let go without fear or stress.  I hope that I am able to share with her humor, and make her smile when times get tough for her, and repay her kindness to me.

I have come to realise through all of this that my mother is not only the woman who gave birth to me, but she’s my very best friend.  I will miss her every day…

I can’t think of a more appropriate song for the way Im feeling today….My Mom is my hero.

Pat suggested that I write and tell you all what it is about my mother that makes her so special, and why she will be missed in our world.  I can’t think of anything I would rather write about than sharing this wonderful soul with you all.

My mother is one of those truly loyal souls in life.  She will fight to the death for her loved ones, no matter what the cost is to her.  She isn’t the type of friend who only hangs in the good times.  She is there for the long haul.  Once hurt though, or betrayed, she will cut the ties completely.  Especially if amends aren’t made.  She forgives easily and holds few grudges.

My mother raised 3 kids entirely on her own.  Her own family was in Boston, and we lived in Los Angeles.  3,000 miles away from anything and anyone she knew.  She was left heartbroken and broke by a man who used her and threw her away as though she were yesterday’s garbage to struggle through everything alone. She worked 12 hours a day in order to support her children and to give us the best life she could.  No, she wasn’t perfect, but she did the best she could with the tools she had.

My mother is an amazing artist.  Every year at christmas time, she would paint a beautiful scene on our front bay window of our home.  People used to come from miles around to see her creations.  Each was unique and beautiful.  She never did the same picture twice.  She is so creative, she can paint, sculpt, draw, sew, and do whatever craft she touches.  She has artists hands.  Everything she does looks amazing and professional. 

Her spirit is something that few people have.  She is bright, funny, and young at heart.  She is so enthusiastic about the world around her.  She is always excited to do or learn new things.  She is so intellectually inquisitive about life.  She is also brave and willing to try just about anything (except food) for the experience of it. 

She is also kind and generous hearted.  I can’t tell you how many people’s lives she has touched.  She has rescued many people from being homeless, got them back on their feet and released them to live good lives.  Charity and giving to others is our family motto.  Every single year she buys toys for children in hospitals who wouldn’t otherwise have a christmas.  Not one or two, an entire car load full.  Not the cheap toys either.  The toys that are on the latest wishlists.  She has in turn taught each of her children to be the same way.

She also has an incredible competitive spirit.  She once climbed a 30 foot pole for a team building excercise at work.  She was 62 years of age when she did it.  People half her age couldn’t do it.  But she set her mind to the goal and made it happen.

My mother is the most inventive person I have ever encountered.  She once made her own false tooth in an emergency.  Her tooth broke in half at work on a Friday night.  Her dentist wasn’t going to be open till Monday.  She had a huge sale over the weekend.  So she fashioned a tooth for herself using the acrylic material that women have their nails coated with these days.  I have to say, it looked awesome!!!!  You could never tell.

She also invented an elevator for her loft area..  She decided that she needed a mechanism to bring boxes up and down into her loft space.  So….she rigged up an garage door opener.  She has the push button unit you’d have for your car and the elevator goes up and down.  Its amazing!

She’s amazingly interesting and well read.  She reads about 5 or so books per week.  She has been doing that for the past 30 years or so.  That’s alot of books!

My mother tries to be always positive, and to help others to be positive too.  She isn’t the type to feel sorry for herself.  She’s a hard worker and believes in making your own way in life.  She gives freely of her time, energy and money to anyone in need.

And most of all…. she has a great sense of humor!  I can’t tell you how many times she and I spent laughing over silly stuff.  She’s really funny.  She loves a good joke.  She has brought our family through some of the hardest times with that sense of humor. 

For me personally though, she has been my partner every single day in my life since I became ill.  She has been to every doctor’s appointment with me.  She has been there as I have screamed in pain.  The endless days of me throwing up over and over again.  And watching me struggle in in agony helpless to do anything to help.  She never complained though about any of it.  To her it was all about attitude.  She gave me that.

Its hard to sum up a person in just a few words.  They seem so stale and lacking in her sparkle.  But she is a good woman.  She has tried her hardest to live a good life.  She didn’t deserve the hard life she had, or the 3 rotten kids that God gave her.  She deserved so much better.

When my mother does die, part of me will die with her.  Part of my heart and soul.  I will be lost.  I will be an orphan really.  It doesn’t seem fair with everything else God gives me.  Still, I believe in the plan and the reason.  I’m sure God has a good plan for my mother.  Maybe its simply time for her to rest.  I don’t know.

I do know that I am going to spend the time she has left, treating her to everything I can to give her peace, comfort and happiness.  Maybe I will take comfort in knowing I gave her that….I hope so.

This world will surely be a sadder place without her light and love in it.

As sad and horrible as this whole experience is, I can’t even begin to tell you how I have learned a few valuable lessons from it already.

These past few days have been some of the hardest in my entire life.  My normal zen energy has been replaced by I have no idea as to what.  I haven’t been able to sleep in days, every single nerve is raw.  My body feels as though I have been run over by a truck many many times, and then been beaten with a bat just for good measure in case any part of it could have been missed.

The outpouring of love and support here has been beyond my comprehension.  Sure, there are many of you readers with whom I have developed a personal bond.  But the responses from people I don’t even know offering help and love, and just a simple shoulder to cry on.  Its a very overwhelming feeling.  Thank you all so very much.  I am so glad God lead me to this blogging community.  I feel like each one of you is a part of my heart now.  I want you all to know that I will not only return your kindness back to you if ever needed, but I will further pass the kindness on to others as appreciation to the gift I have been given.

God has provided for me.  Those of you who don’t believe in God… well then I must have some bloody good luck.  I have probably only 4 people here in the United States that I would consider my friend enough to share this part of myself with them.  To allow myself to be needy and vunerable, and allow them to take care of me.  Normally I am too proud and stubborn to ask for ANY help.  Even from my own husband.

Candace is in North Carolina.  Bizarrely, she read my blog post about my mother only MINUTES after I posted it.  My phone was ringing off the hook.  She has her hands full.  She is caring for her grandmother with Alzheimer’s, going to school full time to be a nurse, and raising two small children, along with running a home and having a husband.  Oh and a newly married daughter in University. 

My girlfriend the Tree offered to drop everything and come immediately.  She has two little ones and is ready for a really really ugly divorce.  I said no, just pray for me please.

My cousin was so beyond devastated she just cried and cried.  She didn’t believe it at first when I told her the news.  She has offered to drop her life and come whenever I need her. 

My stepmother too has asked if she could be any help or support.  She too has offered to drop her life to help in any way she can.   It hard for her though.  She’s raising my 4 and 5 year old nieces, and she runs two businesses.  She has her plate more than full.

But truly this is where you have to know that God stepped in.  Out of all of my girlfriends, only one of them lost their mother.  Only one of them could truly be helpful in this situation and give me exactly what I need.  Not because she’s better than the others for the job, but because of her sense of humor, her light hearted spirit, and who she is.  That is Jeannie in Chicago.  A miracle, and she suddenly lost her job out of NOWHERE a week and a half ago.  Sounds like a tragedy, but I really believe God did this for me.  If I told you why, honestly you would sit and say no way.  Plus, her husband works for the airlines, and even though they don’t have much, its only $40 for her to come.  And if all that isn’t enough to convince you that God has his hand on me, Jeannie is receiving a job offer as I write this email which will give her a ton more money and she’ll be happy and she’ll be able to comfortably financially do this for me.  Even if that wasn’t the case, she didn’t hesitate to step up and say she was coming.

The other factor that makes her the perfect one for this job from God is that she too is a singer.  We have been singing together since we were 11.  My Auntie Lou is coming also today to be with my mother this week.  Auntie Lou was a big band singer, and is a larger than life character.  You can read about her here and hereto give you an idea.  I need someone special to help me tame that wild thing.  Jeannie is just exactly right for the job.  Auntie Lou will love Jeannie, and I’m sure that the music we all share will lighten up this heavy time.

Sanityfound, although she and I have never met in real life, she’s been so wonderful.  As I don’t sleep, she’s been there for me to chat to via IM to give me support and love while my world sleeps.  She sends me emails of encouragement and strength each day.  I am thankful for her.

I have never in my life reached out to any of my friends for help or support.  I spent months in the hospital without most of them even knowing.  One friend recently pointed out to me that I was selfish in doing that.  That I took that away from them.  The opportunity to give to me.  I never looked at it in that way.  So, I am changing.  I am letting them know what is going on in my life.  I am giving them the opportunity to help, and the opportunity to grieve with me.  They all love my mother too. 

By doing this over the past few days, I feel this huge weight off my chest.  I really feel loved by each of them.  That love is giving me the strength to face the next task at hand.  I learned that I have REAL friends who love me and who are willing to walk the hard path with me, even when the sun doesn’t shine in my life.  For that I will be always grateful.

Thank you all again. 

Dear Readers,

I just received the news… my mother is terminal.  She has A-Plastic Anemia.  She is over 60, so bone marrow transplant is out of the question.

I am not ready for her to die.  I don’t know what I will do without her.  I can’t imagine a life without her driving me nuts each day.  She’s so full of life it seems unreal that she’s about to die.  I’m thankful that she is in no pain or discomfort.  I guess I am sorry for myself more than anything because Ill miss her in my life.

God obviously needs her more than I do.  I have to have faith in the plan and give her up to him.

Please excuse me if I am quiet for the next few days…  I’m sure you will all understand.

The last few days have been indeed difficult.  I have managed to keep my mother in the dark about the truth of how sick she really is.  The problem is that she feels absolutely normal.  She looks just fine.  But she is on the edge of death.  To make things worse, the doctors have zero idea what the problem is truly.

My mother is no longer making her own platelets.  She is destroying any that are given to her.  They replaced her blood with new blood, and in one day she chewed through over half the platelets that were given to her.  The original diagnosis of ITP is no longer valid.  She has not responded to any of the treatment.  She now has issues with her bone marrow and that too is sick.  So, we are talking that it is either an auto immune problem, or a viral infection of some type that is really rare and isn’t showing up on the normal tests.

Problem is that the doctors have not been very good at communicating with me.  I hadn’t been able to speak to anyone in 3 days.  Her platelets had gone down all the way under 2,000.  (That is near death for all of you who don’t know).  There was no one available to speak to me.  I left message after message.  Nada.

Finally yesterday, my brother Larry went down there for me and made it happen.  He is very big and mean looking and made sure that he spoke to the right people.  Magically her doctor appeared.  I was able to speak to her on the phone.  I told her of my dissatisfaction with the situation and discussed moving her to another facility.  I’m giving this doctor one last chance. 

We are starting my mother on a type of chemotherapy today.  I agreed to it, because basically I came up with this idea over a week and a half ago.  Hopefully it will do what the steroids couldn’t with very little side effects.  It isn’t the traditional type with hair loss etc.  We are also getting a second opinion consult today.

Its difficult because my specialty is not hematology (medicine of the blood).  I am a neurology girl.  So I’m having to guess alot on stuff.  I don’t like not knowing.  I’m having to swat up quick.  I hate it that the doctor treats me like I’m retarded.  Its frustrating.

My mother realised only yesterday things are serious, but she doesn’t realise still how her life hangs in balance.  I guess I couldn’t keep her in the dark forever.  But it was nice that she was thinking that she was going to get out of the hospital in a few days and just live her life.  Her spirits were really high.  I hope by seeing her loved ones for “Mother’s Day” this weekend she feels loved.

I am leaving all of this in God’s hands.  He has a plan.  I have faith.

For all of my readers…. you’ll know exactly why this is the song of the day!  :)  Wishing you all a great day!

My mother shared this with me many many years ago… thought it was appropriate today…

“If you can keep your head about you, when all around you are losing theirs, it simply means you don’t understand the true situation!”

Well folks, my whole family will be here for the weekend.  My younger brother is flying in tomorrow morning with his wife Christel, and my chosen sister Annette is flying in tomorrow night.  They are all staying at my house along with my oldest brother Larry and his daughter Alex.  This will be the first time in YEARS we have all been under the same roof for more than a couple of hours.  It should be interesting to say the least.

My mother finally has a clue as to her health situation being bad.  She still doesn’t understand HOW bad she is, but I think she’s getting the hint.  She’s going to be receiving chemotherapy tomorrow.  We don’t really know the actual cause of what is going on.  It could either be viral, or auto immune.  What ever it is, its very unusual in the way it is presenting itself, and resistant to all of the usual treatments so far.

Pray that my brothers are on their best behavior and they don’t wear me out this weekend.  I know Annette will be helpful (if she doesn’t get food poisoning this time).  I hope that having everyone here will make my mother smile for Mother’s day. 

I am absolutely exhausted.  I just hope I can make it through all of this.  I am really starting to hurt.  My body is warning me that it can’t be pushed too much further. 

It will be an interesting weekend for sure….

I asked my niece what is a song of inspiration for her.  She suggested this one.  Sounds pretty good to me…

Hold On lyrics

We don’t have time left to regret
It will take more than common sense
So stop your wondering take a stand
Theres more to life than just to live

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

One single smile a helping hand
Its not that hard to be a friend
So don’t give up stand ’til the end
Theres more to life than just to live

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
don’t forget to hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on