Why is it that there is always only one in the family who steps up?
May 5, 2008I am in a frustrating position in my life. I have two brothers. Both are healthy. Both are able bodied. Yet neither one of them ever takes responsibility in our family.
For some strange reason it is always me. I am the one who steps up and rolls up my sleeves when something needs to be done. I don’t know why that is. Is it the mere fact that I am a woman that makes the difference? Or is it that they are selfish? Maybe it is a combination of the two in play that leads to this situation.
My mother is sick and in the hospital. Basically its touch and go whether or not she will live past this week. Her platelets are now down to 2,000. I’m not naive, I know what this means in real terms. However, my brothers have left me to cope through this entire thing. They have no true understanding of the situation. They don’t step up and try to talk with the doctors. They don’t take time out of their schedules to visit her. They move on with their own lives and call once in a while.
In the meantime, I am left with all of the decision making. I try and explain it to the boys, but its almost like they don’t want to know the finer details of the situation. I guess it hurts them less that way and they don’t have to deal with the reality or the gravity of it all.
This happened before when my mother had heart surgery a couple of years ago. I was in that hospital 12 hours a day with her every single day. I was making the decisions with the doctors on the best way we could deal with the issues. I had to basically shame the boys into being there. It was so frustrating and maddening for me I wanted to beat them both.
I have talked to other people and for the most part this seems normal within a family unit. One person steps up and the rest of them just ride on that fact and don’t bother themselves. I would say sisters are better, alas they aren’t.
I feel resentful because they leave it to me all of the time. In another way though, looking at it realistically I am honored to step up for my mother. She deserves that from me. I just wish that my brothers would feel the same.
There is no point discussing this with them. I have tried in the past to do so. They are unable and unwilling to see it for themselves. They really see themselves as doing all that they can. Maybe there is truth in that. Maybe this is what they are able to give. Maybe it is my standards being held up to them that are at fault. I don’t really know.
I guess at the end of the day, I know that the only one that I can control is myself. I don’t have control over them or what they do. I know that my heart will be content if it is my mother’s time to go to heaven that I have done everything to show her my love, respect and devotion. I wonder if they will feel the same truly? I guess that remains to be seen.
Some people are not so good at dealing with emotive or worrying things so they block them, block them well. So very sad this and not fair at all. Your mom is forever in my prayers, am sending you the biggest hug via the airwaves, if there is anything anything at all that I can do I’m there/here. *hugs*
Sounds like you could use a little help from your brothers, but not entitled to it. Did you ask them for a little support? It may be that they are oblivious that you are struggling.
If it comes from a self-righteous or nagging place, there may be resistance. Good luck navigating these difficult times. Your mom is fortunate to have you looking out for her, and I hope you take some time to take care of yourself.
Peace.
I’ve been down this road, and it’s very difficult - one of my sibling just refused to acknowledge his responsibilities re. our mom, even though she had named him as co-POA with me.
To make a long story very short, my mom recovered, but… my brother died last year.
It seems that few men are willing to help out in anything but a token way, especially if they’ve got sisters. (And regardless of what’s going on in their sisters’ lives.)
I wish I had some good advice for you, but… part of what I’ve been facing is simply learning to accept that I won’t get any help from family. It’s been a bitter pill, in all kinds of ways.
“They are unable and unwilling to see it for themselves.”
I bet they *do* see it, but are afraid to acknowledge it. That’s what happened in my case, at least.
e2c, thank you for that. Its helpful to be honest, and places things in perspective for me.
I am sorry for your loss.
I guess I have to go back to the old saying “its not what happens to you in life - its how you handle it that counts”. I will be saying that one for this next week while my brother is here…
One of the strangest phenomenons I see in medicine is there often is one in the family who will do all the work, and the worrying, and then catch all the grief when the situation winds down and nothing more can be done.
It is the burden of the responsible, and one of the things I want to figure out when I get to heaven. The ones who carry the load do a lot of suffering, but at least they have no guilt when it is over.
I hope your mom gets better- it sounds like a tough situation.
Dr. B
Oh Amber, I’m so sorry your going through this awful ordeal. Cyber hug coming from me as well…
My brother is kind of like yours but I don’t for a minute think it’s a “man” thing. I think it’s how some people deal with things. I’ve seen woman deal like this too. I think if they don’t think about it, it’s not real. They can’t handle their feelings. I’m sure they care, how can the not but I feel it’s more of a case that they can’t deal with it so they just turn a deaf ear thinking “everything will be fine.”
As far as you doing all the “family” stuff. I’m the one in my family and on one hand I like it. It’s easy for me not having to travel on the holidays but I also get all that stress of organizing, arrangements and stuff like that. Both my dad and my brother say it’s “easier to go to Joy’s” but I’m wondering who it’s easier for?
Again Amber, I’m so sorry about your mom and will add her to my prayers tonight.
Hello Amber,
I have been very worried about you and your mum, both. If it helps, Pete and I are both thinking of you. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, dear. Amber, if it’s any consolation, i have to say, I think this is a ‘guy thing.’ They just haven’t been taught to cope with these things as we have. Some day I’ll have to tell what all went on when my stepson died. Only one of his brothers was able to really cry and he tried his best to stop. I only saw Pete lose it once and you know what? He apologised for it, as though showing his emotions was a bad thing. I am so sorry ,dear, I know she was there to help you and just think- if you hadn;t noticed those spots, she’d be already gone. I don’t know why you’re being handed you so much to cope with. But I’m reminded of Scarlett O’Hara for the second time today. (Another strong woman with a ‘colourful’ name like yours) She said throughout her story, “If I’ve done murder, I can surely do this,” whenever times got hard and she needed to be tough. You’re just like Scarlett, dear. With all you’ve been through, you’ll get through this, too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dear Amber, this is a tough time you are having. I wish you all the strength in the world to cope with it all.
I guess there’s no one reason for the behaviour of your brothers. It is probably the lack of ability to handle emotional situations as Aud suggest, it is probably also in part the classical denial (guiding them through the five steps of avoidance could help, however you may not have energy to take another burden on your shoulders), it is also probably the family constellation thing - I understand they are younger than you? It is pretty classical that the older sibling is the responsible one and the younger more “self centred” and “creative”.
But the most important factor may be just their unconscious awareness that they do not have to do anything because somebody else will. Good old Amber will do it. Let’s pass the hot potato of responsibility to others as soon as we can - before we get burned.
Hi Amber,
I have two very responsible sisters who participate in caretaking when my parents are in need - as they were last year. It’s great to share the tasks. This can complicate matters, however, as we are each so different that agreement is never simple. So perhaps it is functional that only one of the children generally takes the responsibility of handling the details.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and for a week this has been without any significant support. What a relief that your husband has returned and can provide some assistance. I have been thinking of you, and of your mother, and send you good thoughts.
Amber - peace to you in the midst of your maelstrom and love to warm and give you strength.
I empathise with you whole-heartedly. The sense of frustration at your brother’s unwillingness to take responsibility must be very difficult to come to terms with.
The feelings you articulate describe exactly how I have felt about my relationship to the whole human race since early teens. I saw clearly how we are destroying ourselves but no one else seemed to see or care.
Life’s lessons don’t yield their hidden wisdom easily but eventually this is what I chose to see from my path.
I assumed that if I could see then so could everyone else. I assumed that when I tried to talk about it to unwilling audiences, I was being confronted with deliberate ignorance. I assumed that being a very ordinary human being, it wasn’t up to me to do something. I waited for some one less ordinary and more able than me to do something about it. So here I have sat, for 30 years, waiting! I have felt angry for 30 years that no one is acting – including me!
Our point of view is absolutely unique, so maybe only I can see it?
Our point of view is absolutely unique, so there is no such thing as an ordinary human being.
If I don’t’ do it maybe no one ever will?
Maybe you see things that your bothers can’t or aren’t ready to see yet? Maybe you know that taking responsibility yourself is better for you and your mum than waiting for your brothers to see what you can see. Maybe they assume that you know better than them so they are abdicating responsibility to you? If you weren’t here or were unable to do it, maybe one of them would step up to the plate?
On a different track, men in modern society are raised to be problem solvers and winners. Second place is just the first loser - so the saying goes. It can be very hard for us slow down and make our selves face up to situations that there are no solutions to or that we know we can’t win.
Whilst you know if the worst does happen, you will be free to move on sad but guiltless, your brothers will not.
Peace, love and understanding.
V
What a painful situation- but that is often the case, isn’t it? In my family there are few who step up, it was the same in my father and mother’s families. Don’t look at it as a bad thing about the ones who don’t (as that is “normal”
but an exceptional point in yourself. YOU are able to put other’s first. YOU are willing to carry burdens. YOU can lift your own head as well as your mothers. YOU can be a surrogate for her with the doctors. YOU are exceptional. Not everyone can be so, in fact, because were it you and your brothers gathered together you’d be jostling with each other and unable to all be at your mothers side.
God created the situation to play out this way so that your mother has you and you know your own strength. It’s divine.
Why is there a winky face in my comment? I swear I didn’t mean for there to be one. Hm.
shush, while I do agree with all that you’re saying, it is HARD for someone to carry all this alone. Caregivers need support, need people to come alongside them and help carry the load in some way or another.
It is a tough, tough situation… and (also speaking from personal experience) even more difficult when you’ve got health problems of your own to contend with. (My situation isn’t anything like as intense as amber’s, but it’s still limiting…
Yikes! There’s an unintended winking icon in [b]my[/b] comment, AND a little quilt-pattern icon that I didn’t choose, and…
Something spooky is happening at WordPress.
{{{Hugs to you dear Amberfire}} One can not give what they do not have. And, that includes YOU. If they unwillingly try, it will not work. So consider yourself blessed not to have the added responsibility. Have you ever asked your husband to cook and he made a big mess and the food wasn’t even worth the cleanup - that’s what would most likely happen if the brothers tried to help this late in the game. Your mother is blessed to have such a caring and responsible daughter - it is a blessing to have the compassion and skills you have. Let go of the animosity, as it will not make things better - and your abilities are truly blessings, in a divine way, indeed. Keep your amber fire glowing - continue to pass your amber love. My prayers are with you and yours . . . But remember you can not give what you do not have - this includes You. One day you will have to rest your mind and body for as long as it takes. Peace, Light and Love, CordieB.
Amber,
How’s your mum? Hope she’s alrite. I dreamt of my grandamother twice in the past two weeks. She’s hundreds of miles away in China. I’m working in England at the moment. really miss her and worrying about her health condition though she seems to be ok now.
God bless your mum and my grandma.
Everyone - I don’t know what the status is with my mother. We have no clue what is going on yet. Thank you for your hopes and prayers. Ill let you know when I know something.